Artfully You!

Over the weekend I was sitting in Palm Springs, surrounded by a pool gay men –  partially clothed, and completely au natural. And if that’s TMI for you then you probably aren’t meant to be reading my blog. So why do I share this info with you? Because, I am surrounded by gay men artfully being themselves.

What’s being served poolside!

In the company of men were a drag queen out of drag, a group of close friends (a bear, a funny bitchy queen, and a nerdy sort), a Hispanic couple who’s been together for years, a muscle guy, a boy next door type, a guy that looks like the guy in the cubicle next to you that you would never imagine is gay, a butch queen who kept burping, and of course the property bartender who made us Cinco De Mayo Margaritas!

What I’m loving about this whole experience, standing on the outside looking in, is all these guys are just being who they are...gay men in their own right. I don’t know their stories, I don’t know most their names, but I am loved how they are just being who they are and their true selves – clothed and unclothed!

So here’s the real question, “When’s the last time you allowed yourself to be totally who you are without regrets, fears, and doubts?" Not giving a damn about what other people thought, and letting every aspect of you prevail!

I know for this group of guys, it was their time and they are happy, at peace, and fully relaxed. Funny how that happens when you actually allow yourself to be yourself without masks and expectations!

[Photo: Flickr Member Elvert Barnes, licensed for use under Creative Commons license Attribution 2.0 Generic]

First Loves...Are They Here To Last?

Palpitating heart, stuttering words, stirring in the nether regions of your body, and not a logical thought in your head...Yep, welcome to your first love! Oh, and by the way, every one of us who comes out of the closet is going to have one. They may stay, or they may go. Regardless of the outcome, just know, they were delivered to you for a purpose.

Here’s five tips for enjoying your first love, outside of the closet!

1. Just be in the moment.
2. Observe what’s really exciting you and ask, “Can/will this last?”
3. If there’s more check boxes checked in the physical attraction column then in any other column...you’re infatuated!
4. Know that the first piece of chocolate is always the best.
5. If you start over thinking, then something isn’t right.

What about you? Got some first love advice to share? Post in the comments!

[Photo: Flickr Member Marxchivist, licensed for use under Creative Commons license Attribution 2.0 Generic]

Love or Like - The Gay Intimacy Dilemma!

One of the most common issues I come across in my work with gay men is, "Do I like him, love him or both?"

Take a good look at the picture above. Do you like, love it or both? What if he were your man? Depending on your tastes, this picture may do something for you or not, simply based on what turns your crank. What I find interesting, when we explore these preferences during a client session, is that many a guy finds himself in a "ping pong" dilemma in his head...the one he thinks with!

Many a gay man finds himself in the "like vs. love" battle. True to the nature of men, many a guy wants his freedom but likes the the feel of coming home to someone. On the other hand, with freedom comes the ability to well...be free. Often it is one thing that begins to shift the mindset of the gay man...

Love and like are two different levels of intimacy.

Love, depending on how you define it, means heartfelt, deep seeded intimacy. Like on the other hand means intimate without a lot of long term ties. But those are just definitions from the top of my bald head. So how do you resolve this Love vs. Like conundrum? You get real with yourself and dig deep to see what it is you value. What most guys find is some blending of the two.

Once you uncover your values around loving vs. liking, or loving and liking, you're then able to see what's important to YOU! When you honor YOU it them becomes much easier to love, like, or love and like that special man in your life!

No Hiding You're Gay!

Here’s a fact that I am only sharing from my own personal experience as well as from the experience that many of my male clients have had.

It’s more likely than not that your spouse already has an inkling that you’re gay!

As hard as it may seem to believe, the truth you’re hiding isn’t very well hidden. Even some of your closest friends and family members will probably join the chorus in singing, “We already knew!” What comes after all is revealed, becomes everyone’s own unique journey on the other side of the closet door.

Before you play all naive and coy about your little “secret,” here are some signs she may be looking for that will bring you out of the dark and into the light of your gay life.

1. Scruff and Grindr. Obviously if you have these apps loaded on your iPhone or SmartPhone, then you know this is where technology meets dating, friending, or the proverbial “hook-up.” Regardless of your intent for playing on these apps – yes us boys must have our toys – just know, it takes only one time of forgetting to sign-off or click out of your phone for your spouse to catch you with your pants down!
2. Anger and Conflict Prevail. No matter what the outer exterior may try to hide, most men (and women) who are hiding their sexuality are absolutely miserable on the inside. The conflict of trying to hide things, not being who they are and doing the mystical dance of “not getting caught,” often manifests as anger and lashing out. In these moments, what is really happening is you are out of alignment with your “core values” and you need an adjustment. It just so happens the adjustment is, you need to “come out of the closet!”
   
   
3. Houdini Act. Spouses and kids (if you happen to have them) are very intuitive. Trust me, they see you slipping away to hole up at your computer or making excuses to be somewhere other than with them. As much you would like to pull a Harry Houdini and disappear without being noticed, your spouse and family see you distancing your self from them. The less time you spend with them, the more likely they are going to sense that something is up...they just don’t know it’s your desire to be with another man.
   
   
4. Girlfriend Jealousy. Without sounding stereotypical, women love gay men...for the most part. Whether it’s our wit and humor, stylish tastes, or in some cases the “drop dead good looks,” many a girlfriend of your wife’s may be admiring you for those things that are the signs of “Danger Will Roger he’s gay!” A good sign that the gal pals could be outing you is if you always find yourself in the company of the women at a party rather than being hunkered down in the “man cave” with the guys! It’s a rare man that get’s invited into hen’s nest. Consider it a compliment and a yellow flag of caution.
   
   
5. The Words They Say. Everyone loves a compliment. It fills us with a warm fuzzy feeling and boosts our self-esteem. Without inciting paranoia, listen carefully to what people are saying about you and how they describe you to others. Words like “gentle, heart-centered, sweet, a girl’s best friend,” often can be the indicators that your cover is about to or already blown. Stereotypes are stereotypes and should be avoided at all costs. What is being described here are those characteristics that describe you as a great guy with a twist.

There is no formula for how your spouse might uncover your truth, nor when’s the right time for you to come out. More often than not, the truth is, we all come out at the same time...when we’re ready. Your spouse may be tuning into to other pointers that lead to the truth. Rather than getting caught in the dark of lie, upon lie, upon lie, your wellbeing will be well served by finding a path to supportive “coming out” that best serves you, your spouse, and your family!